Jokes

Q: Why did the Mizzou football players call social services ?
A: They are constantly being beaten by an old man.

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Q: How do you keep Mizzou fans out of your city?
A: Host the Final Four.

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Q: Why did Rihanna briefly consider attending Mizzou?
A: They don’t beat anyone.

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Q: Why does Mizzou have paw prints on their uniforms?
A: They’re used to getting stepped on!

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Q: What do you call Mizzou players with Championship rings on?
A: THIEVES!!

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Q: How do you keep Mizzou off your campus?
A: Schedule a home game with them.

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Q: Why does Mizzou use artificial turf on their football field?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing at halftime.

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Q: Why do Mizzou fans always wear camouflage?
A: If you were a Mizzou fan you wouldn’t want to be seen either.

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Q: What’s the difference between yogurt and Columbia, Missouri?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.

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Q: What is the difference between a Mizzou graduate and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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Q: How do you run a small business?
A: Start with a large business and put a MU grad in charge.

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Q: 2 MU students and MU’s football coach are riding together in a car. Who’s driving?
A: The state trooper.

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Q: What is the easiest way to get a MU Cheerleader in your dorm room?
A: Grease the door jams and push like hell!

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Q: Why do golf courses in Missouri only have 14 holes???
A: Because they NEVER make it to the FINAL FOUR!!

Variations:

Q: Why do clocks in Missouri only have 56 minutes?
A: Because they NEVER make it to the FINAL FOUR!!

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Q: How many Missouri fans does it take to eat a ‘possum?
A: Three. One to eat the ‘possum and two to watch for cars.

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Q: What did the Missouri Tiger fan do after coming upon a stop sign in Columbia?
A: I don’t know – he’s still there.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Missouri Tiger and a ground hog?
A: 6 more weeks of mediocre football, and 23 years of futility against Nebraska.

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Q: What did the Mizzou graduate get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

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Q: What’s the difference between a litter of puppies and Missouri fans?
A: Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining.

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Q: Why does the Mizzou graduate keep his diploma in his car?
A: So he can park in the handicap spots!

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Q: What do you call a Mizzou basketball player in a suit?
A: Defendant.

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Q: How do you get a Mizzou graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

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Q: How many Mizzou students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, and he gets 3 hours of college credit for it.

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An Arkansas  grad walks into a bar in Columbia, Missouri says to the guy sitting next to him, “Hey, you want to hear a really funny Mizzou joke?” The guy replies, “Hey buddy. See the bartender? He played at Mizzou. See those two huge guys to your left? They played at Mizzou. See that group of big guys over at that table? All Mizzou football players. Look at me. I’m 6’4, 235 and played at Mizzou. Now are you sure you want to tell me your joke?”
The Arkansas grad says, “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain and repeat it 5 times.”

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Three guys, a Tiger, a Razorback, and a Aggie are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total,” says the Genie.
The Aggie says, “I am studying to be a farmer, my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land in College Station to forever be fertile.
With a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ the land across College Station was made forever fertile.
The Tiger was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Columbia, so that no one can come into our precious city.”
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ there was a huge wall around Columbia.
The Razorback says, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.”
The Razorback says, “Fill it up with water.”

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Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the Missouri University campus?
A: The officials had to check ID’s before letting any of the Tigers cheerleaders back on board.

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Did you hear about the Mizzou fan who was so upset that the Razorbacks beat Mizzou that he tried to commit suicide by jumping out of his basement window?

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Q: Why is Mizzou replacing the wood on the basketball court with cardboard?
A: The team looks better on paper.

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Q: What’s the definition of mass confusion?
A: Father’s day in Columbia, MO.

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Q: What do you get if you drive by the Mizzou campus real slow?
A: A degree.

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Q: What is the best thing to come out of Missouri?
A: I-70

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Q: What happened when the Arkansas State grad moved to Missouri?
A: It raised the IQ of both states.

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Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in Columbia, MO
A: A visitor

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Q: Why did the Mizzou player go to court?
A: He was charged with date rape and beastiality.

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In Columbia,Mo “bringing home the Bacon” is how guys tell their roommate they’re coming home with a girl.

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Q: Did you hear about the big power outage at the MU student union?
A: Forty Tigers were stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.

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Q: Why wasn’t Jesus Christ born in Columbia, MO?
A: They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

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Q: How do you keep an MU student from beating his girlfriend?
A: Paint her cardinal and white.

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